It's normal to feel angry, depressed, confused, or any variety of emotions. If you find yourself having negative thoughts, or thinking of the same doubts and worries over and over again, you're not alone. Make an effort to be kind to yourself. Positive self-talk can change your frame of mind over time and help you cope
I want my baby.
It's all my fault.
Something's wrong with me.
What if I can’t have any(more) babies?
How long will my pain last?
It's not fair.
Why me?
It hurts so much.
I can't handle this.
I feel so alone. No one understands.
What right do I have to be so sad when others have lost babies further along?
I never got to meet my baby.
My baby never got to live.
It's all for nothing.
God, why did you take my baby away?
God doesn't care. He abandoned me.
Why did this happen to me?
What other negative thoughts have you had?
I'm happy for my baby (who gets to enjoy the glories of the Kingdom of God)
It was out of my control. I'll pray for peace to accept the things I cannot change.
I am God's creation and beloved child. I will trust in God's unique plan for me.
My hope is in the Lord, who is all powerful and all loving. Be not afraid.
I will give myself the grace to grieve as long as I need to. I'm allowed to feel what I feel.
New life is a true gift from God, not a right. I have a renewed appreciation for the gift of life.
How are You calling me to respond to this? How do You want to use me through this experience?
I will unite my suffering to Christ on the Cross.
I'm stronger than I think. The Lord will give me strength.
I'll call a friend. They might be avoiding conversation for fear of saying the wrong thing. Our Blessed Mother knows the pain of seeing her Son suffer and die. I'll pray to her for guidance.
I won't compare myself to others. My loss is still a real loss. No matter how big or how old, that is my child. I am his/her mother, and I will give myself permission to mourn on my own timeline.
One day, we'll reunite in heaven.
Until then, my baby knows my love, and I can pray to him/her as my personal intercessor any time.
Life begins at conception. Through me, God brought forth an eternal soul. What an amazing miracle.
God's ways are not my ways. God has given life to my baby, who lives with Him eternally. Regarding my life on earth, I will ask the Holy Spirit to help me look for the hidden blessings in this experience.
God, thank you for taking care of my baby in heaven.
The same God who suffered and died for me is still present today and still loves me just as much as the day He died. God is pure love and unchanging.
What am I being called to do?
Take your thoughts to prayer, and write down alternatives that you can tell yourself.
"There is power and importance in a name. God is the Author of life, but gave us the authority to name our children. In the Bible, names hold so much weight. Jesus changes names of his apostles, Zachariah gets his voice back when he proclaims his child’s name, and names are constantly used to tie people together, to show to which family someone belongs. There is intimacy in knowing someone by name, in
God calling us by name, and in speaking a name."
"Naming allows you to acknowledge his or her unique identity, as well as your own grief. You can pray for the soul of your child by name, as well as ask them to pray for you."
If you haven’t named your baby and would like to, here are some ideas that might help:
• A season or month as inspiration-when you learned of the pregnancy, around your due date, or when the baby was born (August, Summer, Snow, Sunny)
• Gender Neutral name if you don't know your baby's sex (Alex, Frankie, Jordan)
• Start with “Baby” and add your last name.
• The size of the fetus at the time of loss (Poppy – size of a poppy seed (4 weeks), Clementine – size of an orange seed (5 weeks))
• Name them after a loved one or someone you admire.
• Choose a name that reflects a positive emotion or virtue you associate with your baby (Joy, Hope, Grace)
• Choose a Saint that has a special meaning to you, or has a feast day near your baby's birth, due date, or conception date.
https://blessedisshe.net/blog/healing-miscarriage/
https://stillstandingmag.com/2018/02/02/naming-your-stillborn-miscarried-baby/
https://www.catholicmiscarriagesupport.com/practical/practical-qa/burials-and-names
Remember to take care of yourself and allow time for your mourning. Here a few important reminders and ideas to consider to help you through this difficult time:
- Seek and accept help from others
- Avoid isolation
- Do something for you, such as rest, warm bath, relaxing music, hobby (gardening, reading, crafts, etc)
- Exercise
- Spend time in nature/take a walk in the sunshine
- Eat 3 meals a day with all the food groups/proper nutrition
- Get a good night’s rest (limit napping, limit caffeine/sugar in the evening, limit screen time before bed)
- Breathe deeply
- Journal
- Prayer
- Seek professional support / therapy
- Join a support group
- Be gentle with yourself, understand that healing takes time.
- Try to work with your partner
§ recognize that you have different ways of coping
§ write down your feelings and read them to each other
§ commemorate the loss together
§ take your time talking about sex and trying again
§ try couple’s therapy if tensions are high
- Consider honoring your baby’s memory
§ create a memorial fund
§ donate to a pregnancy center or other charity in their name
§ get a memorial tattoo
§ light a candle
§ name your baby
§ plant a tree
§ write your child a letter
§ display an ultrasound photo, toy or other reminder of your child
§ create a remembrance book/album with photos of your positive pregnancy test, ultrasounds (if applicable), sympathy cards, favorite prayers, etc.
https://www.essentiahealth.org/services/behavioral-mental-health-services/grief-bereavement-support/resources/self-care-while-grieving/
https://psychcentral.com/health/miscarriage-grief#coping-with-miscarriage-grief
It is not uncommon to need some extra help during this time. Giving yourself time to heal, taking a break from work or other stressful things, talking to friends, and prayer are all helpful tools. However, there is nothing wrong with needing something more.
Seeking outside counseling from a trained professional is not a reflection on an inability to handle things, but rather, a reflection that you recognize the magnitude of your loss and importance of your own well-being.
Marriage Coaching Ministry through the Archdiocese of Detroit is provided confidentially and at no cost. English and Spanish speaking marriage ministry couples are available.
Phone: 313-237-4680 familyministry@aod.org
Stephen Ministry is offered at St. Anastasia and other churches (typically free of charge). While this is not formal counseling, a trained Christian listener can be paired up with you to support, encourage, and pray with you one-on-one. Call the parish office for details.
Ask your health system/hospital if they offer bereavement resources.
You can always contact the priests at St. Anastasia, your local church, or the Cradled in Mary’s Arms group for spiritual and personal support, as well as additional resources.
We are not medical professionals.
Please reach out to your doctor or therapist if you feel that you need physical or mental help.
Cradled in Mary's Arms
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